4 months into treatment - Performance on the horizon

Heads up, I'll likely will be moving these blogs to do with Focal Dystonia to another address for those who want to follow my recovery and will keep this one focused on our art as in the past. 

I had another session with Dr. Farias today. I'm 4 months into my rehab. Here is my status: 

I've made some real progress on many levels, but not fully recovered.

I've relieved a lot of the tension in my playing already, though I still have to stay on top of it and make sure not to play too hard(one of my issues). Many areas of my playing have improved beyond my pre-dystonia time. Before treatment, the tension created from FD had created big physical issues through my arms, neck and back(even my legs), including tendonitis in my left elbow. In mid November I could not even really play more more than 5-10 minutes, and very poorly at that. Now the elbow is almost completely healed and overall my body feels much better. Simply understanding what was wrong with me and finding a path to recovery made a big difference. Acupuncture and massage helped a lot.

The issues in my right hand vary. I've done well correcting positioning and tension issues, but the most persistent problems in my ring finger still exist. Progress is very up and down there, which is to be expected.

The emotional/psychological end of things feel about halfway there if that makes any sense. I'm aware of the issues that are both a by product of FD and the behavioral patterns that need to be changed. I feel now I can identify these things quickly as they happen, and deal with them over half the time. Meditation helps a lot in this area.

So where does that leave me? Though I decided to fully dedicate myself to recovery for up to a year, just recently the longing to do more has started to eat at me. After playing for Dr. Farias today I got the thumbs up to start practicing to perform again. He felt I could safely use my re-fingering techniques now without taking away from the progress I've made. The idea is if 70% of my playing is working, that's how much I should be practicing around my issues, addressing the dystonic movement with the remaining 30% of my time(rough numbers obviously). This might sound dangerous to some familiar with FD but for me it is very liberating. His approach is not rigid. I believe Farias has given me the skills and knowledge to pull this off while consistently working on my FD issues and gradually implementing the skills recovered as they come. I'm sure in 2 months I will be playing better than the last year.

So there you go. Not a complete success story yet, but I'm overjoyed to be close to a return to the stage. Starting to write cool new stuff and my heart is ready to give again. Time to step up, face the fear and see what lies ahead. We'll keep you all posted. We will be back in the studio soon as well. Time to give you all some new music . . . 

Using Principals of Meditation for Focal Dystonia

I, like I'm sure many of you dealing with FD, find the harder part of all this is staying positive as you make progress that seems to later just slide back to where you were, or that after many good days of rehab, you still cannot call upon those techniques in the moment.

I've been reading a book on meditation as I'm a bit new to all this and it has been helpful. Many of the tips for freeing you mind are exactly what we need to apply to our condition. 

For example, as I struggled through a hard week of rehab last week, I found meditation very difficult, even though it is part of my daily routine for months now. Unfruitful rehab sessions followed. A couple times when I went to play something for a student and my hands simply did not cooperate, I let it get the best of me internally. Of course nothing will work that way.

We know that stress is a major factor for FD, but we cannot always control the shit the life flings at us. It is common to get kicked while you are down. Sleep is also a major factor, which is always related to stress. Two things helped me get back on track:

My buddy Chip who has spasmodic dystonia who I talk to often when things suck, said "of course your rehab is not going well right now. Your whole living situation is in the air that has been stable for 10 years on top your career instability. How could you not be stressed?" Just the simple understanding of my emotional state and stress gave new freedom again to my rehab today. Awareness can easily overcome feelings.

Instead of striving to make progress each day or to play well, we simply need to let go. Really, the only solution is to almost "not care" if we get better. As soon as I let go of any feeling of attachment to the outcome of my practice, my hands flow. Not completely, but convincingly enough to know that if I can keep it up I will fully recover. 

Here is an excerpt from the book I've been reading that I found helpful in the  chapter titled "The Wisdom of Letting Go":

"For a person with an untrained mind, attention can become entangled by grasping as it moves towards pleasant experience and avoids unpleasant fellings. Notice how you respond when you don't get what you want".

"An unmindful experience of something painful can ignite the underlying tendency to aversion, further conditioning resistance, hatred or fear. And an unmindful encounter with a neutral encounter may trigger the underlying tendency to delusion. Subtle neutrality often goes unnoticed. In the absence of clear attention, preconceived ideas easily distort perception, perpetuating ignorance. Consistent awareness of the present-moment feeling, wedged just between simple contact with a sensory stimulus and the grasping of reaction, can not only cool the agitated mind but also uproot the source from which the suffering springs".

Hope this is helpful for some of you, it definitely got me back on track. Abrazos- E

April 17, 2013 Video Blog, 3 months into treatment with Dr. Joaquin Farias

Recovery and the power of positive thinking

6 weeks into my rehabilitation I found myself fighting off depression and negative thinking. My progress actually seemed to be regressing. While I did my rehab ritually and did what I could to be positive, I started feeling lost in the middle of the ocean.

After a Skype session with Joaquin I was able to gain some perspective. For one, it was good to be assured I was doing fine for 6 weeks in and that it is impossible to regress. We are either tapping into normal functional movement, or we are not. 

Some words of wisdom from Joaquin:

You can't learn if you are afraid.

Allow yourself to move your fingers, don't protect them or try to control them.

Which comes to how I have found a way to liberate myself again. At this point, my focus needs to be on fluency and flow. I need to wait to add speed, accuracy and volume/tone. I'm trying to free my hand, it is not a speed, accuracy or technique problem. 

I thought I had mostly dealt with the anxiety in the chest that the dystonia creates, but it seems I had just pushed the tension back into my hands. I can see why so many give up. 

So when Joaquin got my fingers to move freely again, the anxiety was right back in the chest. He assured me this was a sign I was moving correctly. There was the connection I needed to change everything, at least for now.

Now I can create the correct movement. I know when I feel the anxiety hit. I simply continue to play, observe it, and celebrate my dominance over the dysfunctional movement. I know it is my brain telling me I'm winning and fighting back. I refuse to let it control me. As a result, I've had periods of fluent tremolo the last 5 out of 7 days and moments of freedom from the arpeggio issues that seem to be the worst. In January this simply was not possible.

A few other factors helped. 30 minutes of meditation first thing in the morning before rehab everyday. Boxing workouts with my friends who cared enough to help me start getting in shape. Seeing the sun again in this god forsaken region. And having a great juerga/party with our students. We are blessed to have a real community here. Good, talented people. It was the first time playing for anyone in 3 months. It was a joy regardless of how challenging it was. The spirit of the next generation of flamencos and those who are experiencing it's magic for the first time is rejuvenating. 

I have finally assimilated what Joaquin has said all along but has evaded me for months. Joy. Finding the pure joy again. It is hard to do when you are fighting your brain, trying to beat the odds when so many say what you have is incurable. But it is that simple. Finding joy in all the small victories. Finding the joy that made you play music in the first place. I never stopped loving it. The dystonia only temporarily stole it from me. I took it back and I'm not giving it up again. Fuck you Dystonia. The tables are turning and your days are numbered.

3 weeks in.

For those reading this blog that are not facing the challenges dystonia presents,  or not close enough to take a real personal interest, I understand that this journal may sound self indulgent, or uninteresting in the sense that I am all consumed with recovery. I believe it is the only way to get past this condition. What is the biggest challenge of my career may seem like nothing to someone else. That's ok. This blog is not for them. This is for those who will have to face this nightmare, and those who already have. This is all about the journey to recovery, not the simple before and after video that will be made later. As flamenco's popularity continues to grow in the US, so will the amount of guitarists who have to face this. In Spain it is not uncommon unfortunately. 

Wednesday, Feb. 20: After arriving home to Seattle, and getting up early to do my daily rehab, I realized it's only been 3 weeks since my first treatment with Dr Farias. It feels like it has been 2 months.

The nightmares were pretty bad till a couple days ago. Almost every night. I was told that this was to be expected, but it sucked none the less. The brain is being forced to re learn how to control my hands and behavior, rehabilitating from a dystonic state, and it's fighting back.

The last week or so has been very difficult. I've been struggling with the exercises and playing in general. I've not been able to get to that same place I was on the 2nd day when we made the big breakthrough. 

As you move forward day to day, you have to fight the fear that it is not going to work, as it can become a self fulfilling prophecy. The brain will do whatever you tell it to. While I do my best to control the negativity and unrealistic expectations, what I learned seemed to be regressing the last week and I've been trying to figure out why. 

Today I may have found a way of understanding this. In preparing to go to Spain for treatment, I had to get in a certain mindset. A combination of faith in my decision and a mental determination that at a minimum, I would be able to clearly see a route to recovery before I returned, no matter how long it took after. I was able to achieve that by the 2nd day. Perhaps I had not really prepared for beyond that, as it took everything I had just to get there. 

That 2nd day, I played things I had not in over a year. I even played some things better than ever at an extremely soft volume. It was almost easy. I believe my problem now is I went from focusing 100% on the rehabilitation to putting some portion of my focus into being able to play well again. These are things we talked about, but there is no way to assimilate it all in 6 sessions. In my case, I have to almost "not care" in order to get better if that makes any sense. I need to re adjust my mindset. 

Because focal dystonia is a neurological disorder, your mind comes into play. The tension, anxiety and fears it creates are an important part of rehabilitation. There is no magic pill or shot that can fix this. It takes a totally holistic approach to beat it. Your brain, mind, body and spirit all have to work together to heal. This is why it was not possible to get adequate treatment here in the US under one doctor or system. 

Dr Farias in my opinion is more that a neuroscientist, biomechanic or the sum of his many credentials. He is a healer, or more importantly, a guide who can show you how to heal yourself. What he teaches allows you to continue expand your understanding beyond the sessions and find creative ways to challenge your particular issues and overcome them. This is unique. 

This form of rehabilitation has to be the most challenging, because it boldly goes after a full recovery, not a symptomatic coverup. On top of that, you have to take 100% responsibility for your own recovery. Many fail not because it doesn't work, but because of what it takes to make it work.

At some point all of us full time artists had to say "fuck the world" and do things our way. We eventually overcame our fear of failure that this society is so good at instilling in every blooming artist. This is how we make things happen. It requires a high level of testicular fortitude. Now it's time to see if I have enough to pull this off . . .

UPDATE: Sunday, Feb. 24. The realization of mindset has already made a difference. Making progress again . . .

Last sessions with Dr Farias and returning to the roots

My Dad came out to hang with us a few days. He certainly knows how to chill. Still learning from him. Having family here during this time was great.

My first follow up visit: More help with facing the ups and downs. Asked to quit practicing the same stuff and compose. Fall in love with the music again, with simple chords and the way your fingers feel on the guitar. I never thought I stopped, but obviously my hands are getting in the way, or really, my head. 

Then another horrible day. No luck with any of it. 

I had only seen my friend and mentor Martin Chico once as I felt uncomfortable with my condition not being able to play more. So a week went by and after this shitty day, he shows up at our hang "Chiringuito" with his infectious smile he always has. We drink, immediately start up with palmas, baile, more gitano friends show up and he plays a literally destroyed guitar with a picture of Camaron glued on it with a broken stick and electrical tape for a capo. Juerga time. 

He offered to take us to Tres Mil again(Poligono Sur, the barrio the Gypsies were moved to from Triana) He said "you need to come hang with me and feel the joy again. You need to feel the spirit of Sevilla". Encarna and I are always up for a trip to the hood! So off we go to flamenco land to have an amazing evening "sin reglas". From my experience the relaxed vibe and warmth from the Gitanos there can really only be compared with Mexicanos. The art of being happy with less.

We got to hang with Bobote and his brother again and hear amazing stories, and of course talk flamenco. First about the times with Camaron, then how Raimundo Amador's Dad made a guitar out of boxes for carrying fish and put strings on it for him when he was a kid and how amazing he played it. They would even make them out of cardboard so the kids could start on the right hand even though the left didn't work well. Bobote went on to give an example on an empty water bottle. The aire he transmitted was ridiculous. That magical game of luring you into the compas and surprising you with the remate. Arte puro. 

You have to understand that if you are not from this barrio, you don't really go there. It always feels like an honor for us. It is not the place for photos. Wish we could share, but cameras take you out of the moment and you become a simple tourist. Best I can do is give you my view when I used nature's restroom behind the bar, haha: 

This along with a productive last session with Dr Farias was a perfect closing for my initial treatment. What he is doing for musicians and others is really the cutting edge of Dystonia treatment. He is simply a brilliant,  amazing person. He left me with all the tools I need to rehabilitate myself and to continue to teach myself how to reprogram by brain. It is now up to me to put the hard work in for the next 6 months. 

Our time with friends like Juan and Chico, also helped remind me what is important about flamenco and life in general. The experience of Andalucia is about the people, the food, wine, cruz campo, the spontaneity and sense of freedom; the ability to slow down and take the time to take it all in, and the pure love for an art form with ancient roots.

 I came here worried that I could not be who I was without playing with everyone. Most our friends had a surprising awareness of Focal Dystonia and I heard of many other cases here. It seems to be a burden many long term flamenco guitarists end up carrying. They could not have been more supportive. We will certainly be back to play and live the life for many more years to come. Viva Sevilla!

Days 2, 3 and 4 with Dr Farias

Day 2: A major breakthrough. Learning the difference between the logical left hemisphere and right side-creative/flowing-fast-electrical charge type movement or global movement as he calls it. For example tremolo should focus on on thumbs and rhythm while ignoring fingers. They should simply flow in bursts. Yes, I already new this, but understanding it in a new way helped my process. 

At a certain point I was able to play nearly a full falseta of tremolo for the first time in over a year. This feeling was later able to transfer to fast buleria arpeggio movement as well as Granaina at the softest volumes. Hallelujah. 

Day 3 was difficult. The breakthrough of day 2 did not carry over much. Depressing. It is important to understand that this is part of the process just as much as the breakthroughs. 

We addressed issues with various techniques today, and the tension both in the active muscles/joints as well as the tension created in the body/breathing. 

Day 4 -  Today seemed to be somewhere between day 2 and 4 as far as my ability to play. That this is not the point is part of what I am learning.

Dr. Farias identified the last of the physical issues with my arpeggio movement. 

More important, I've learned to identify the various aspects of my FD and feel them as they happen. I've been shown a systematic approach to reprogramming my brain to do correct movement and have already seen it work.

I've already learned how to continue to teach myself to reprogram and eventually do away with all dystonic movement and tension/anxiety. It is now clear what I have to do, I just have to accept that it will be up and down for the long haul. 

The prognosis: Dr. Farias believes I can make a full recovery in 6 months if I do this the right way. No pressure to speed the process, just doing what I have to do 7 days a week. 

As great as all this sounds, none of it is a given, and there is plenty of hard work ahead as well as the emotional challenge. I have to stay 100% focused on my recovery and my health and it will work out. Depression is guaranteed death for any rehabilitation so I will have to fight off the bad for sure. So far the excitement of being able to play well at all is overpowering any negatives. 

I will have 2 more follow up visits next week then work on my own for a few months. 

More to come, will keep you all posted. Feelin' all the love you are sending. Abrazos-  E