6 weeks into my rehabilitation I found myself fighting off depression and negative thinking. My progress actually seemed to be regressing. While I did my rehab ritually and did what I could to be positive, I started feeling lost in the middle of the ocean.
After a Skype session with Joaquin I was able to gain some perspective. For one, it was good to be assured I was doing fine for 6 weeks in and that it is impossible to regress. We are either tapping into normal functional movement, or we are not.
Some words of wisdom from Joaquin:
You can't learn if you are afraid.
Allow yourself to move your fingers, don't protect them or try to control them.
Which comes to how I have found a way to liberate myself again. At this point, my focus needs to be on fluency and flow. I need to wait to add speed, accuracy and volume/tone. I'm trying to free my hand, it is not a speed, accuracy or technique problem.
I thought I had mostly dealt with the anxiety in the chest that the dystonia creates, but it seems I had just pushed the tension back into my hands. I can see why so many give up.
So when Joaquin got my fingers to move freely again, the anxiety was right back in the chest. He assured me this was a sign I was moving correctly. There was the connection I needed to change everything, at least for now.
Now I can create the correct movement. I know when I feel the anxiety hit. I simply continue to play, observe it, and celebrate my dominance over the dysfunctional movement. I know it is my brain telling me I'm winning and fighting back. I refuse to let it control me. As a result, I've had periods of fluent tremolo the last 5 out of 7 days and moments of freedom from the arpeggio issues that seem to be the worst. In January this simply was not possible.
A few other factors helped. 30 minutes of meditation first thing in the morning before rehab everyday. Boxing workouts with my friends who cared enough to help me start getting in shape. Seeing the sun again in this god forsaken region. And having a great juerga/party with our students. We are blessed to have a real community here. Good, talented people. It was the first time playing for anyone in 3 months. It was a joy regardless of how challenging it was. The spirit of the next generation of flamencos and those who are experiencing it's magic for the first time is rejuvenating.
I have finally assimilated what Joaquin has said all along but has evaded me for months. Joy. Finding the pure joy again. It is hard to do when you are fighting your brain, trying to beat the odds when so many say what you have is incurable. But it is that simple. Finding joy in all the small victories. Finding the joy that made you play music in the first place. I never stopped loving it. The dystonia only temporarily stole it from me. I took it back and I'm not giving it up again. Fuck you Dystonia. The tables are turning and your days are numbered.
