4 months into treatment - Performance on the horizon

Heads up, I'll likely will be moving these blogs to do with Focal Dystonia to another address for those who want to follow my recovery and will keep this one focused on our art as in the past. 

I had another session with Dr. Farias today. I'm 4 months into my rehab. Here is my status: 

I've made some real progress on many levels, but not fully recovered.

I've relieved a lot of the tension in my playing already, though I still have to stay on top of it and make sure not to play too hard(one of my issues). Many areas of my playing have improved beyond my pre-dystonia time. Before treatment, the tension created from FD had created big physical issues through my arms, neck and back(even my legs), including tendonitis in my left elbow. In mid November I could not even really play more more than 5-10 minutes, and very poorly at that. Now the elbow is almost completely healed and overall my body feels much better. Simply understanding what was wrong with me and finding a path to recovery made a big difference. Acupuncture and massage helped a lot.

The issues in my right hand vary. I've done well correcting positioning and tension issues, but the most persistent problems in my ring finger still exist. Progress is very up and down there, which is to be expected.

The emotional/psychological end of things feel about halfway there if that makes any sense. I'm aware of the issues that are both a by product of FD and the behavioral patterns that need to be changed. I feel now I can identify these things quickly as they happen, and deal with them over half the time. Meditation helps a lot in this area.

So where does that leave me? Though I decided to fully dedicate myself to recovery for up to a year, just recently the longing to do more has started to eat at me. After playing for Dr. Farias today I got the thumbs up to start practicing to perform again. He felt I could safely use my re-fingering techniques now without taking away from the progress I've made. The idea is if 70% of my playing is working, that's how much I should be practicing around my issues, addressing the dystonic movement with the remaining 30% of my time(rough numbers obviously). This might sound dangerous to some familiar with FD but for me it is very liberating. His approach is not rigid. I believe Farias has given me the skills and knowledge to pull this off while consistently working on my FD issues and gradually implementing the skills recovered as they come. I'm sure in 2 months I will be playing better than the last year.

So there you go. Not a complete success story yet, but I'm overjoyed to be close to a return to the stage. Starting to write cool new stuff and my heart is ready to give again. Time to step up, face the fear and see what lies ahead. We'll keep you all posted. We will be back in the studio soon as well. Time to give you all some new music . . . 

Using Principals of Meditation for Focal Dystonia

I, like I'm sure many of you dealing with FD, find the harder part of all this is staying positive as you make progress that seems to later just slide back to where you were, or that after many good days of rehab, you still cannot call upon those techniques in the moment.

I've been reading a book on meditation as I'm a bit new to all this and it has been helpful. Many of the tips for freeing you mind are exactly what we need to apply to our condition. 

For example, as I struggled through a hard week of rehab last week, I found meditation very difficult, even though it is part of my daily routine for months now. Unfruitful rehab sessions followed. A couple times when I went to play something for a student and my hands simply did not cooperate, I let it get the best of me internally. Of course nothing will work that way.

We know that stress is a major factor for FD, but we cannot always control the shit the life flings at us. It is common to get kicked while you are down. Sleep is also a major factor, which is always related to stress. Two things helped me get back on track:

My buddy Chip who has spasmodic dystonia who I talk to often when things suck, said "of course your rehab is not going well right now. Your whole living situation is in the air that has been stable for 10 years on top your career instability. How could you not be stressed?" Just the simple understanding of my emotional state and stress gave new freedom again to my rehab today. Awareness can easily overcome feelings.

Instead of striving to make progress each day or to play well, we simply need to let go. Really, the only solution is to almost "not care" if we get better. As soon as I let go of any feeling of attachment to the outcome of my practice, my hands flow. Not completely, but convincingly enough to know that if I can keep it up I will fully recover. 

Here is an excerpt from the book I've been reading that I found helpful in the  chapter titled "The Wisdom of Letting Go":

"For a person with an untrained mind, attention can become entangled by grasping as it moves towards pleasant experience and avoids unpleasant fellings. Notice how you respond when you don't get what you want".

"An unmindful experience of something painful can ignite the underlying tendency to aversion, further conditioning resistance, hatred or fear. And an unmindful encounter with a neutral encounter may trigger the underlying tendency to delusion. Subtle neutrality often goes unnoticed. In the absence of clear attention, preconceived ideas easily distort perception, perpetuating ignorance. Consistent awareness of the present-moment feeling, wedged just between simple contact with a sensory stimulus and the grasping of reaction, can not only cool the agitated mind but also uproot the source from which the suffering springs".

Hope this is helpful for some of you, it definitely got me back on track. Abrazos- E