I played my first live show in 7 months last month. Though
not completely without dystonic symptoms, I was able to quickly adjust and free
my mind/body in the moment, so I could implement alternative techniques I
worked on, tension free. This allowed me to go back and successfully use these
most dystonic-tending techniques later with success in the show. Just as
important, I was not devastated about my performance like the last 2
years. The weeks leading up to
this were my most successful rehab-wise.
Aside from my continued Skype sessions with Farias, there
were two factors that helped facilitate this. The fact that I could start
practicing for a show again created momentum. This created a good environment
for creativity again, which led to a focus on composing and playing new music.
It cannot be emphasized enough how important it is to either create new music,
or if that is not your thing, choose new music to work on for both your
dystonic and non-dystonic movement(I know for some it is all dystonic). The
brain has locked into these bad memories of dysfunctional movement in the
pieces we played leading up to our demise. It’s not that we can’t ever play
them again; we just need to take the focus away from them. It’s easy to get
stuck playing a 10-20 second section of music that you don’t do well. Start
playing through whole pieces. New music helps bring back the pure joy that got
us into our art in the first place.
After this show I was mentally exhausted for a couple days, but continued
my rehab practice. After this was the worst 3 days in months. Again it
felt like I had slid backwards significantly. The difference was this time I
knew what to expect. It didn’t make it easier, but I put faith
in my ability to bounce back. After 3 days things got a bit better. I still
felt at 50% capacity compared to the weeks before the show. Everything was an
effort, nails scratching out crappy tone again, and the most dystonic areas of
my playing were not doing well and I lost most of my speed.
This whole dystonia thing is a real bitch, even when you are
getting better. You can only overcome the physical if you can get over the
psychological. Focusing all my effort to creating new music and playing super
soft and slow again brought about a complete change within days this week. I
feel very much on track once again and I’m composing my best music to date. If
you are recovering and struggling with the bad days that are inevitable; focus
on all new music, and have faith in your ability to heal yourself. After all,
you are the only one that can do it. Abrazos- E