New Promo Video for Duet Flamenco

Hey folks, I'm surprised in my last long post Oct. '13 I did not include our new video that shows proof of my recovery. This was recorded the end of Sept. '13. My progress has accelerated significantly since then.

In 2 days I will be exactly 1 year into treatment. I'll be making a large post then. Keep your heads up my fellow musicians with FD. With all have the power inside us to heal ourselves. Best, E

Within reach of a full recovery

I've not written about my recovery much since I became active again professionally, but thought it was time. I'm making progress in a way that is hard to describe. Certainly composing new music and recording as well as limited performance has brought about a new hope for the future. This has also created a need for a more "controlled ambition". It is tempting to go full force already, but I am forced to learn patience on a new level. So much of this problem called Focal Dystonia and the recovery is hard to describe. So I will do my best by referring to a couple excerpts form Dr. Farias "Rebellion of the Body" that have helped me lately. 

One was the story of Miguel, a soloist in a major orchestra who had severe MFD. He was advised by his doctors to give up and move on, which he did, not playing a note for 2 years. Then, a year after working with Farias he returned as a soloist in the orchestra. Two years later he claimed "I've solved the problem with my fingers almost completely; I  haven't made a single mistake in concert since I started work". 

This quote really stuck in my head, and before reviewing it again tonight, it was stuck in my head for months as him saying "I figured it out". There was some sort of important connection that those words created in my mind and body; so I've meditated, played and contemplated over that phrase for hours. Before, I had made a lot of progress over the last 8 months, but was still playing with too much tension and struggling with certain techniques. This phrase or thought has created a new breakthrough for me. The ease and joy that I am playing with is increasing rapidly, though there are still days worse than others. I'm sensitive to the tension in a new way and can usually gently move it to the side now in the moment. There are simply things that have to be played either lighter or slower temporarily. Now what is stuck in my head is "I almost have it figured out". I can feel it in my mind, body and spirit.

It's hard to realize that there will be no true "physical" breakthrough upon fully recovering like those mentioned in Farias' studies, Jon Gorrie etc. It will simply be a change in the way our brain works, mostly through how our mind works which results in the physical freedom. I fully believe that this can happen for us, and that we can go on to grow as artists, teachers and human beings in a way not possible before.

Again, it is hard to imagine this recovery without the unwavering support of my wife and artistic partner, Encarnación. Her endless optimism and ability to live in the moment is something I aspire to. 

We are so excited for the coming year and to reconnect our art with fans, friends and supporters. See you all sooner than later. Abrazos, Eric

I'll leave with one more excerpt from Farias for those struggling through this maze of MFD:

CONTROL

You do not need to develop what you already have developed in the past, but to recover what you have left behind. The control has been with us all the time; it has merely been temporarily distorted. 

When we perform, a multitude of motor gestures are carried out automatically, following a sequence predetermined by the repetition in the learning process.

Control over the execution is not based on action, but on not acting so as not to interfere with the automatic coordination of the acquired motor reflexes. 

In order to succeed in restoring free movement on does not need to do anything. In order to continue the pattern of lack of control one needs to make an effort. 

Excessive control leads to a lack of control. 

Composing, playing new music and faith.

As my journey and struggle with focal dystonia continues, I’ve found it is much like life. When times are really hard, the universe seems to shit on you. Upon trying to clean yourself, it kicks you in the head once more for good measure. I’ve been around long enough to know this also a sign of good things to come if you can stay positive and focused. Not that it makes it any better in the moment.

I played my first live show in 7 months last month. Though not completely without dystonic symptoms, I was able to quickly adjust and free my mind/body in the moment, so I could implement alternative techniques I worked on, tension free. This allowed me to go back and successfully use these most dystonic-tending techniques later with success in the show. Just as important, I was not devastated about my performance like the last 2 years.  The weeks leading up to this were my most successful rehab-wise.

Aside from my continued Skype sessions with Farias, there were two factors that helped facilitate this. The fact that I could start practicing for a show again created momentum. This created a good environment for creativity again, which led to a focus on composing and playing new music. It cannot be emphasized enough how important it is to either create new music, or if that is not your thing, choose new music to work on for both your dystonic and non-dystonic movement(I know for some it is all dystonic). The brain has locked into these bad memories of dysfunctional movement in the pieces we played leading up to our demise. It’s not that we can’t ever play them again; we just need to take the focus away from them. It’s easy to get stuck playing a 10-20 second section of music that you don’t do well. Start playing through whole pieces. New music helps bring back the pure joy that got us into our art in the first place.

After this show I was mentally exhausted for a couple days, but continued my rehab practice. After this was the worst 3 days in months. Again it felt like I had slid backwards significantly. The difference was this time I knew what to expect. It didn’t make it easier, but I put faith in my ability to bounce back. After 3 days things got a bit better. I still felt at 50% capacity compared to the weeks before the show. Everything was an effort, nails scratching out crappy tone again, and the most dystonic areas of my playing were not doing well and I lost most of my speed.

This whole dystonia thing is a real bitch, even when you are getting better. You can only overcome the physical if you can get over the psychological. Focusing all my effort to creating new music and playing super soft and slow again brought about a complete change within days this week. I feel very much on track once again and I’m composing my best music to date. If you are recovering and struggling with the bad days that are inevitable; focus on all new music, and have faith in your ability to heal yourself. After all, you are the only one that can do it. Abrazos- E

5 months into treatment - Thumbs up

Great session with Dr. Farias today. He feels my rehabilitation is 100% on track at this point. I am far from where I was in February thanks to his guidance, a lot of hard work and focus, and the support of my wife, family and friends.

I now have the tools to make a full recovery. Lots of hard work ahead still, but I'm playing and composing again. Next is recording and performance. Life is good.

4 months into treatment - Performance on the horizon

Heads up, I'll likely will be moving these blogs to do with Focal Dystonia to another address for those who want to follow my recovery and will keep this one focused on our art as in the past. 

I had another session with Dr. Farias today. I'm 4 months into my rehab. Here is my status: 

I've made some real progress on many levels, but not fully recovered.

I've relieved a lot of the tension in my playing already, though I still have to stay on top of it and make sure not to play too hard(one of my issues). Many areas of my playing have improved beyond my pre-dystonia time. Before treatment, the tension created from FD had created big physical issues through my arms, neck and back(even my legs), including tendonitis in my left elbow. In mid November I could not even really play more more than 5-10 minutes, and very poorly at that. Now the elbow is almost completely healed and overall my body feels much better. Simply understanding what was wrong with me and finding a path to recovery made a big difference. Acupuncture and massage helped a lot.

The issues in my right hand vary. I've done well correcting positioning and tension issues, but the most persistent problems in my ring finger still exist. Progress is very up and down there, which is to be expected.

The emotional/psychological end of things feel about halfway there if that makes any sense. I'm aware of the issues that are both a by product of FD and the behavioral patterns that need to be changed. I feel now I can identify these things quickly as they happen, and deal with them over half the time. Meditation helps a lot in this area.

So where does that leave me? Though I decided to fully dedicate myself to recovery for up to a year, just recently the longing to do more has started to eat at me. After playing for Dr. Farias today I got the thumbs up to start practicing to perform again. He felt I could safely use my re-fingering techniques now without taking away from the progress I've made. The idea is if 70% of my playing is working, that's how much I should be practicing around my issues, addressing the dystonic movement with the remaining 30% of my time(rough numbers obviously). This might sound dangerous to some familiar with FD but for me it is very liberating. His approach is not rigid. I believe Farias has given me the skills and knowledge to pull this off while consistently working on my FD issues and gradually implementing the skills recovered as they come. I'm sure in 2 months I will be playing better than the last year.

So there you go. Not a complete success story yet, but I'm overjoyed to be close to a return to the stage. Starting to write cool new stuff and my heart is ready to give again. Time to step up, face the fear and see what lies ahead. We'll keep you all posted. We will be back in the studio soon as well. Time to give you all some new music . . . 

Using Principals of Meditation for Focal Dystonia

I, like I'm sure many of you dealing with FD, find the harder part of all this is staying positive as you make progress that seems to later just slide back to where you were, or that after many good days of rehab, you still cannot call upon those techniques in the moment.

I've been reading a book on meditation as I'm a bit new to all this and it has been helpful. Many of the tips for freeing you mind are exactly what we need to apply to our condition. 

For example, as I struggled through a hard week of rehab last week, I found meditation very difficult, even though it is part of my daily routine for months now. Unfruitful rehab sessions followed. A couple times when I went to play something for a student and my hands simply did not cooperate, I let it get the best of me internally. Of course nothing will work that way.

We know that stress is a major factor for FD, but we cannot always control the shit the life flings at us. It is common to get kicked while you are down. Sleep is also a major factor, which is always related to stress. Two things helped me get back on track:

My buddy Chip who has spasmodic dystonia who I talk to often when things suck, said "of course your rehab is not going well right now. Your whole living situation is in the air that has been stable for 10 years on top your career instability. How could you not be stressed?" Just the simple understanding of my emotional state and stress gave new freedom again to my rehab today. Awareness can easily overcome feelings.

Instead of striving to make progress each day or to play well, we simply need to let go. Really, the only solution is to almost "not care" if we get better. As soon as I let go of any feeling of attachment to the outcome of my practice, my hands flow. Not completely, but convincingly enough to know that if I can keep it up I will fully recover. 

Here is an excerpt from the book I've been reading that I found helpful in the  chapter titled "The Wisdom of Letting Go":

"For a person with an untrained mind, attention can become entangled by grasping as it moves towards pleasant experience and avoids unpleasant fellings. Notice how you respond when you don't get what you want".

"An unmindful experience of something painful can ignite the underlying tendency to aversion, further conditioning resistance, hatred or fear. And an unmindful encounter with a neutral encounter may trigger the underlying tendency to delusion. Subtle neutrality often goes unnoticed. In the absence of clear attention, preconceived ideas easily distort perception, perpetuating ignorance. Consistent awareness of the present-moment feeling, wedged just between simple contact with a sensory stimulus and the grasping of reaction, can not only cool the agitated mind but also uproot the source from which the suffering springs".

Hope this is helpful for some of you, it definitely got me back on track. Abrazos- E

April 17, 2013 Video Blog, 3 months into treatment with Dr. Joaquin Farias