3 weeks in.

For those reading this blog that are not facing the challenges dystonia presents,  or not close enough to take a real personal interest, I understand that this journal may sound self indulgent, or uninteresting in the sense that I am all consumed with recovery. I believe it is the only way to get past this condition. What is the biggest challenge of my career may seem like nothing to someone else. That's ok. This blog is not for them. This is for those who will have to face this nightmare, and those who already have. This is all about the journey to recovery, not the simple before and after video that will be made later. As flamenco's popularity continues to grow in the US, so will the amount of guitarists who have to face this. In Spain it is not uncommon unfortunately. 

Wednesday, Feb. 20: After arriving home to Seattle, and getting up early to do my daily rehab, I realized it's only been 3 weeks since my first treatment with Dr Farias. It feels like it has been 2 months.

The nightmares were pretty bad till a couple days ago. Almost every night. I was told that this was to be expected, but it sucked none the less. The brain is being forced to re learn how to control my hands and behavior, rehabilitating from a dystonic state, and it's fighting back.

The last week or so has been very difficult. I've been struggling with the exercises and playing in general. I've not been able to get to that same place I was on the 2nd day when we made the big breakthrough. 

As you move forward day to day, you have to fight the fear that it is not going to work, as it can become a self fulfilling prophecy. The brain will do whatever you tell it to. While I do my best to control the negativity and unrealistic expectations, what I learned seemed to be regressing the last week and I've been trying to figure out why. 

Today I may have found a way of understanding this. In preparing to go to Spain for treatment, I had to get in a certain mindset. A combination of faith in my decision and a mental determination that at a minimum, I would be able to clearly see a route to recovery before I returned, no matter how long it took after. I was able to achieve that by the 2nd day. Perhaps I had not really prepared for beyond that, as it took everything I had just to get there. 

That 2nd day, I played things I had not in over a year. I even played some things better than ever at an extremely soft volume. It was almost easy. I believe my problem now is I went from focusing 100% on the rehabilitation to putting some portion of my focus into being able to play well again. These are things we talked about, but there is no way to assimilate it all in 6 sessions. In my case, I have to almost "not care" in order to get better if that makes any sense. I need to re adjust my mindset. 

Because focal dystonia is a neurological disorder, your mind comes into play. The tension, anxiety and fears it creates are an important part of rehabilitation. There is no magic pill or shot that can fix this. It takes a totally holistic approach to beat it. Your brain, mind, body and spirit all have to work together to heal. This is why it was not possible to get adequate treatment here in the US under one doctor or system. 

Dr Farias in my opinion is more that a neuroscientist, biomechanic or the sum of his many credentials. He is a healer, or more importantly, a guide who can show you how to heal yourself. What he teaches allows you to continue expand your understanding beyond the sessions and find creative ways to challenge your particular issues and overcome them. This is unique. 

This form of rehabilitation has to be the most challenging, because it boldly goes after a full recovery, not a symptomatic coverup. On top of that, you have to take 100% responsibility for your own recovery. Many fail not because it doesn't work, but because of what it takes to make it work.

At some point all of us full time artists had to say "fuck the world" and do things our way. We eventually overcame our fear of failure that this society is so good at instilling in every blooming artist. This is how we make things happen. It requires a high level of testicular fortitude. Now it's time to see if I have enough to pull this off . . .

UPDATE: Sunday, Feb. 24. The realization of mindset has already made a difference. Making progress again . . .